You can’t teach without modelling it
There’s a really uncomfortable truth in parenting, and it’s this:
You can’t teach your children something that you aren’t able to model first. Ouch, right? Let’s expand on this.
Imagine you’re a child, and you see your mum avoiding her reflection in mirrors, you hear her complaining about her body, you listen to conversations she has around dieting and calories and trying to lose weight, you see her tugging at her clothes and trying to cover up, you notice she avoids being in photos and says things about other womens’ bodies, too. And your mum also tells you all the time how beautiful you are, how great you look in your clothes, and how important it is to love yourself just the way you are because you’re perfect.
Unfortunately, the words don’t override the modelling that your mum is doing. And you grow up thinking the same things about your body, trying diets and complaining about the way you look, until you stop and decide to change the narrative.
Imagine you’re a child and your mum is really great at telling you to let your feelings out, and that it’s okay to feel sad. And your mum also tends to hold back her tears (you see it, and you feel it too), you notice she scrolls on her phone a lot more when she has her stressed face on, and you think she might eat more when she’s feeling sad, too. As an adult, you will naturally follow the behaviours that you witnessed in your mum (and the other adults around you, too) rather than what you were told about feelings.
This concept can feel REALLY big and scary when you first become aware of it. I know the first time I was told this, I completely rejected the idea and convinced myself that I could give my girls everything I didn’t yet have myself (healthy body image, healthy emotional expression, etc etc). But the truth is, my girls learn more from what I model for them than from what I tell them in words. And I’ve decided that instead of this feeling like a huge burden and overwhelming responsibility, I am taking it as permission.
If my girls are going to grow into adults that mirror what I am modelling for them now, what do I want to model for them? The only way I can show up as the role model I want to be for them is by doing the work on myself. And so this really has been a permission slip for me to focus on healing parts of me that I don’t want to pass on to my girls.
A reminder to me that self-care is not selfish, but actually essential for me to be the mum I want to be.
And in this case, self-care means working with practitioners who can support me in healing my own *stuff* so that I can break the cycle for my children. So that my children are not growing up carrying my wounds, my hurt, my emotional baggage.
If there is something you’d like to heal, the time is now. Not when the kids are in school. Not when they’ve moved out. Not when the planets align and Mercury is no longer retrograde. Now. The sooner you can work on your own stuff, the better you are able to model healthy thoughts, patterns and habits for your children.
And as always, no pressure. This is not about being a perfect parent. It’s about recognising that what we don’t heal within ourselves, we unconsciously pass on to our children. So do the work for yourself, and for your children.
Everyone benefits when mum is happy + healthy - in body AND mind.
P.S. This is exactly the work I do in 1:1 sessions and group coaching. If you’d like support on your healing journey - please reach out! I’d love to help xxx
